Saturday, July 25, 2009

To Each His Own

A friend came by to visit this evening and we spoke for a while. About several things. Among them, the hard reality that he would be leaving in less than 20 days.. to go to our "very own" U.S.A. and may never return to Pune. I realized then- how many times I avoid this thought and its consequential thoughts. It's a known fact, that the three of us will not be in the same city for more than a year now. This guy will go off to another continent. I will leave this city for my Masters degree, and the third chap has no clue where he's going to land up.
I've seen this situation happen in films.. Ive seen it happen to other people. It has happened to me before. But never at such a level. It's a very weird thought process. After having had some very rough weeks in the recent past, to think that the only thing you can actually call your own, your friends, will also someday, be away from you. The thought itself is frightfully intense. Will this also go away someday? Will I no longer have these people with me? These people with whom I have spent so many moments.. and have so many memories..are they also, just going to vanish someday? The thought of having to start all over, isn't even scary anymore. It's plain avoidable. I escape from it because the more I think of it, the more depressed I get.
When someone says, " I don't know if I will come back", it's VERY saddening. My eyes can't help going moist at such times. I really don't want to lose any of my friends. It takes a hell of a lot of time and effort and trust to make them. All my 9 friends mean a LOT to me. Can't just see them go.. The distance is very scary.
But I guess, in the end, everyone of us.. has to choose our path, and in the end, we only want the best for our friends, even if it keeps them away from us. So, "to each ,his own" is something I didn't think would have such a painful application. However, it is entirely true. And here, I need to remind myself, that no matter what, or where, with equal efforts from both friends, a friendship can never get washed away. No wave is big enough to erase the bonds between friends.. I sure hope this thing really is true, coz soon, a trio is going to come down to a duo :( Ah well, one more reason to like America.. my friend's going there! :D Cheers dosti ke naam!

Sun rise

The last 3 months, have been completely CRAZY. I honestly didn't expect the start of the 3rd decade of my life to involve such complicated crap! But well, since it's there, I'd rather deal with it than just sit and mope around. My moping period is over.
Right from April 1st, life's been going topsy turvy.. a few weeks in between were decent and then, stormy again. Now, it's a full-fledged hurricane! But, thankfully, I'd had my defence system rebuilt recently. Sometimes, it's hard to understand why certain people change so much, and why suddenly, your position in their life goes even lower than "down the drain", but I guess, in the end, something good really does come out of bad stuff.
As a realist who is rather optimistic about life (sometimes that can be a pain by the way), I tend to feel that there is a bright side to everything. Today I realize, that's not entirely true. There's a bright side, only when you want there to be one. If you convince yourself that this is the end, and just shut your eyes, then it's going to be tough. I don't think small things in life get enough credit. The real strength isn't in actually getting up and moving on. It's in the thought of keeping a level headed approach to what comes next and telling yourself, that even though things are this bad right now, if you close your doors, you're going to miss out. And not wanting to miss out is the strength. Excruciating details, I know. But I really think that most people, when they say, "get up and walk when you fall", really mean that "keep telling yourself that your time will come and stay awake for it.. don't drift off into depressed sleep".
Again today, I realized that feeling when you're at your wits' end and you've said all the negative stuff you can, the point where you say, "Enough whining! Let me at 'em!" , is such an adrenaline rush!! It feels great to know that you're not down and under and you still can choose to thrash your problems out of your face. The feeling that you still have what it takes to stand up and be happy, is a great feeling.
I have no clue why I'm thinking of such details.. but it's a good feeling.. (it's not particularly great typing all this since my fingers are practically torn and ripped from playing too much Guitar.. ) All in all, life's a VERY weird dinner. You really like some of it, you detest part of it, and then there's the part you think is passable..
Usually when I'm in such a mood, I look through a lot of photographs.. of my wild escapades, or family trips (which most often than not are to Goa), or images of wild animals, habitats, and friends.. It's like therapy. Leaves a very nostalgic taste on my mind's tongue. Am now in a decent mood. Have made a plan for myself. And surprisingly, even after losing almost everything I worked for, I'm STILL over worked!! I fail to understand how that happens, but I'm ecstatic that what I said was proved right! I was telling myself that just coz' this is a long dark era, doesnt mean the sun won't ever rise. And walla! I still have Gharials to work for.. I still have wildlife to conserve.. coz' at the end of the day, people will come n go, and leave you to rot, but your work, never leaves your side. And you can't run from it, coz when it's in your blood, it will catch up with u, and bite you in your ass and remind you that it's right there! :) Brilliant feeling!

The sun is rising again. Adrenaline is at it again. The zeal and passion are working overtime and the monsoon is finally starting to feel like "my season" again! :)

So what if I work for different people now? So what if I have a few bruises and some broken bones? Who said that those are bad things?

"Get on up when you're down, baby;
Take a good look around.
I know it's not much,
But it's ok..
Keep on movin; on anyway!" - makin a lot of sense again! :D

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Cast Away

All my life, for as long as I have known myself, I have always been the kind who has no qualms being myself. Today, I wonder, why people have such a problem with that. I used to think that once a relationship is established, no amount of caoxing and no amount of external force and pressure can melt the foundation of that relationship.
I was wrong. Not just melt, apparently, a relationship can come CRASHING down. Even when you place all your trust and faith in its very foundation. One breeze comes and the few words it brings with it, end up destroying what took you years to build. Only you know how much effort you have put in to not only build, but also maintain a relationship.. and suddenly, the smallest of things comes by and blasts your construction to nothing but mere debris. And this debris is what hurts the MOST.
I wonder how people claim that they trust you, and at the first chance they get, they prove themselves wrong. Is trust actually so gullible? Is it actually so feeble that it can just be withdrawn after trivial words?
It's strange how, even when you know you've done nothing wrong, being true to yourself can also hurt you so much! Sometimes there's an incredibly strong desire to scream at and yell at or throw something at that person.. and then sometimes, there's a desire to just keep quiet, get up and walk again, but I cannot even explain HOW MUCH that hurts.. keeping quiet, when you know you've done nothing wrong.. hurts. Sometimes I think, I've done my job. I've explained. Even after that if people cannot trust my own word about myself, then they can choose to believe whatever the hell they want to.. and I will just have to move on, and see other people take my place as time goes by..
Now, right now, at this point, I realize- this is never going to stop hurting. It's a very obvious realization. And now I detest myself for placing that faith in someone who reciprocated by letting go of my hand and asked me never to return.. How can people do that? It's basic humanity!
I know Ive lost nothing professionally, but personally, I'm never trusting anyone ever again. People just do not deserve it.
Strange that for every good moment Life gives us, it gives about 50 bad and 49 pathetic experiences free with that good moment. I have no more words..