Off-track and Covered in Dirt

Another one of those "it hit me" days. This one's very random based on my thoughts while writing this. When people know you for ages, and more importantly, know you well for ages, isn't it obvious that they don't have misconceptions about you? Apparently not.

I'd always thought that people who're closest to me understand me, and know me. I don't how many people think that there is a very thin line of difference between understanding someone and knowing someone. Both may not exist simultaneously, though in an ideal relationship, they should.

When the most important thing in your life is your work, which is also your passion, and suddenly one fine day you begin to realize than maybe there is a human being at par with the position that your passion has in your life, you don't really know what to think. It takes a while, but it figures itself out. And just as you begin to think that a certain someone deserves a promotion in your life, that person begins to feel that nothing apart from your work can EVER get so much importance from you. And in a flash of a sentence, you're left in a lurch all over again.

At that moment, you feel like telling yourself, "See I TOLD you when Life is too good, it's just a dream!" , but you cant open your mouth to say anything 'coz you're shell-shocked! And then someday, when you're thinking about your life, and what's happened in it recently, you ask yourself, how could that person even THINK that I would not be there? Yes my wildlife means the world to me. But cant something else also mean the world to me? Again, apparently not.

I just seem to have been astonished at how people can just "feel" that I will one day vanish from the face of civilization and start living a wild life in the centre of some rainforest with only wildlife to support me and only wildlife to confide in, only wildlife to love. I mean, seriously! Sometimes I ask myself whether being so darn passionate about what you do is such a wrong thing in today's world, and more than that, I wonder why I never felt that way about ANY one in my life.. no matter how work-oriented or busy or whatever that person was. I don't know if I'm normal. I have NEVER had an insecurity complex. About anyone or anything. I guess Ive always been an idiot for having placed ultimate faith in someone and never expected them to think this way.

There's that mistake. Expect. Wrong bloody thing to do in life! Just when you think that there is finally some ONE who understands you AND knows you, Life takes another one of its infamous turns and throws you off track. I'm really tired of this F1 track that has been my life for the last 3 months. And since my faith in the human lot has gone lower than it ever was at any point in my life, I prefer a blog as a confidante.

I wish there was some way to make people realize that they are probably the ONLY ones to have ever received the kind of position they have in your life.. but sadly, it aint so. And then again, I feel like a doofus for not being someone who constantly "SAYS" what she feels. And the ONE time I decided to say something, Life shut me up with shock. Uske baad na muh kholne ki ichha hui, na zindagi mein khoya hua kal paane ki.
Yaar, iss Life naam ke bandhe se ek request hai - kuch time ke liye, gimme a break please. Let me set the current chaos in order, and then you may start pelting again. *Phew!!*

Flicker

After months, very long and torturous months of going through Life's wrath, I finally seem to have brought it all down to something I had thought of a week ago but had dismissed as well. Suddenly it seems to have hit me all over again after a friend said the exact same words that had been haunting my head. It figures why Life's been so crappy in the recent past.

It's been just about 3 months and in such a short span of time, I've lost an unimaginable amount of things and people close to my heart. If it had been just that one thing, this would probably have been an easier time to deal with. Well, like they say, when a bad time comes, it comes like a freakin' tsunami! And tsunami it is! Came, wrecked half the things that had taken years to build, and went away without even the slightest ounce of remorse. That wave of "bad time" has probably just begun. And no, that's not a pessimistic way of thinking. I see it as preparing myself for worse.. - that's realistic. But optimistic would be saying- that nothing can get worse than this (Im pretty sure that's spot on!), and hence, the only way out of this hole, is up.

In an unexpected turn of events, the last 38minutes have been very odd. They've been the almost extinct moments of "being alone and yet being happy". Very rare in these times of war. War. With the world, with others, with people who have wronged me, and at some point in time, with myself. Another very strange thing is, when you're lower than ever, even reading a certain name, or hearing from a certain person can just drive out all that crummy-ness and spread a smile across your face instantly! Something as simple as reading the name of a person who's email was waiting in my Inbox, worked magic! I guess these bad times really do teach you who's gona stick with you right through and who's going to walk out on you . Knowing and believing that these people are indeed here to stay, goes a very long way in helping one deal with tough situations, especially the kinds that require massive emotional and mental stability. At a time when even the minor-est of things can get you totally bogged down, having these fellows to depend on, somehow neutralizes the effect of the circumstances.

Everyday Im reminded of how important certain people can be in your life, because everyday when I need to get up and move on, I know that these 2-3 people are going to provide that much needed support.

Thats all I have energy to write as of now...

Thank you Chhotu. :) <3> You're a constant and omnipresent flicker of faith.

Discovering Me- Part 1

Was just thinking that there are SO many things in this world, even in our daily lives, that we just cannot put in words. Even simple words! Whether it is that deep set feeling or that line that's on the tip of our tongues, or something you know can make a difference.. there are just these things we do not say. I don't know why that happens, or maybe I havent given it that much thought, but while chatting with someone I know, I just realized, that even though deep down within YOU know you don't want to discuss a certain issue, and that person, even though you think he should know, doesn't seem to realize. It's not a mistake. But then, the minute you want to say that you do not wish to discuss it, you realize, you might cut off the only topic of conversation that exists between that person and you. Complicated. And then, by the end of it all, there has been a nice long discussion about the exact thing you wanted to chuck from your brain. So now the result is, you're more hurt.. and that person has no idea what he went and did. Is it really worth it, to go through this repeated pain? Or is it just better to cut off the topic then and there? Do people not realize that they're hurting you or do they just not care? The last few weeks have lead me to believe the latter.

There are people in your life you don't want to talk about. To anyone. Either because they are too close and important to you, or have hurt you so much at one point, that all you remember when their name is mentioned, is that sheer pain which is still just as strong as it was back then. But when people who are completely clueless about your past, bring up these "self-banned" topics, what do you do? You don't want this new person to think you're a whacko (which you probably are anyway)! What happens is, whether or not you talk about these "do not mention" people, those memories jolt their way right back through the back of your mind and in no time, they show on your face.

I'm not some depressed maniac writing about my super sad life. I just gave this stuff a lot of thought right now and realized that I'm probably not the only one thinks like this. There may just be other people who have these periods of intense thought processes about completely random and seemingly unimportant stuff.

Sometimes, you just don't want to be strong anymore. I sometimes feel like I don't want any of 'this' and I just want to egt out of all this mess .. however that might be. Until yesterday, I didnt realize that THIS is something other's may not only feel, but also DO! I'm not the kind who shirks off responsibility towards my friends. But when things get out of hand and when those very friends fail to understand you and support you when you need them (which is rare), it hurts. And again, there is something more important than your pain. Your friend. And that friend's life. So whether you're saving a dying animal, or saving someone's day, or basically tryingt o fit in a lot of duties in your schedule, completely forgetting about yourself in the process, what is more important than all of that, is a human life that you need to save.

You're not a doctor. You're not God. You're not even in the same place as your friend! And yet, somehow, you're supposed to do the crazy task of making sure that person doesnt commit suicide. How you're going to do that, is your problem. Why should the world care? Why should anyone else care about you and your friend? I guess that's how the world works. Heartlessly.

Life is not very great sometimes. But why do people forget the underlying truth? LIFE, in all its essence, is still there! You're still living. Why are people always in such a hurry to end their lives? I perceive that as an act of a coward. Others may not. But I don't care what others think. I'm not a philosopher. I'm just a 20 yr old who respects the fact that I'm alive. Because that means that I have the chance to make a difference. Maybe not in someone else's life. But in the field I choose.

So like I found myself saying yesterday, and it's something I stand by - It is way easier to live while knowing that a certain someone may never be with you, a certain thing may never happen for you.. Because in this way, you stop trying to torture yourself out of your feelings, and eventually, you ACCEPT things, and learn to live again. Maybe you will live differently. But you WILL live. And all that's part of that wacked out thing called Life.