It’s rather strange how the human mind, and by that I mean
my own mind, keeps amazing me time and again. No, I’m not trying to lead with
hinting at what a genius I think I am- quite the contrary actually.
I was in this never-before-known lull phase up until this
morning; heck, I’d go far enough to say I was down till this evening. Then
suddenly, a couple of hours ago, the storm passed. Or at least I think I did.
All these days I had been complaining far too much for my
own comfort. I wouldn’t say I’ve always been a very contented and satisfied
person but unemployment and near-bankruptcy made me, as the title of my last
post would suggest, a borderline pessimist.
I’ve been aware enough to use the word “borderline”. I think
there’s a core element embedded somewhere in my brain that basically doubles as
a control switch. If the incoming voltage crosses the limit, this control
switch gets tripped automatically. Then it’s like I’m ‘in a state of war’ with
myself. It’s like three people live inside me – a borderline pessimist, a realist
and an optimist.
So when the controls switch trips, my emergency response
system is activated almost immediately. The onslaught of negativity and
frustration that signals the beginning of a storm becomes something that I am
relatively prepared for.
I expect things to get out of hand, to second guess myself
and I would definitely expect mood swings and self-isolation. Good thing I
expected all that because a lot more than just those things happened. It was
like a toxin was sneaking through my circulation system, quietly spreading its
lethal contents in my body.
Boy, am I glad that the antidote, that switch, was already
in place and functioning. It was like I had been vaccinated to the joblessness
virus already.
Now the main question is - what happened?
What happened in a couple of hours that undid the effects of
an entire month?
The truth is – I am not sure. If I had to take a guess and
give you a one-word answer, I’d say “acceptance” is what happened. I think I
was finally able to break free of the tight grip that Negativity had over me.
That said, don’t go about picturing a phoenix-like image
just yet.
It’s not like I am now a worry-free living creature with no
care in the world about having no job or having to switch to a thrifty
lifestyle. This isn’t magic and I’m not a fictitious character in one of JK
Rowling’s books.
So I wouldn’t trust the onset of ‘reality with a hint of
optimism’ so soon in the transition phase. It will probably come and go for a
while. But as I see it, once it’s begun, the rest will follow through.
I guess the trick to emerging from this deep, dark well has
always been acceptance. It makes complete sense now and from previous
experience, acceptance has always been the key for me to move on. For some
reason, I never imagined something so obvious to be the key to this
problem.
A few days ago, I was on the phone, having a very normal
conversation. As breezily as ever, the voice on the other line said, “What fun
is life without some struggle, right? Redemption wouldn't be so thrilling without the struggle.”
Now even though that's not news to me, I probably just needed someone to crisply phrase something that should be obvious and slip it into a conversation without making a big deal about it.
I’m not someone who “shares my problems” with every other
person. I have very few close friends by choice. I have never endorsed the
concept of being a very social and public person, having a thousand friends and
calling them all by “BFFs”. I cannot relate to that mentality.
I choose to have very few close friends – people who I care
about unconditionally and will go out of my way for. Some of these people know
me intensively, others know me well enough to confirm this – I never ask for
help. I’m what they call “khuddaar”
in Hindi.
Now, with that disclaimer out of the way, I was really not
on my game during this whole crazy loony phase. That means I actually did tell
some people close to me about what was messing with my head. To me, that’s a
big deal. To the world, no one gives a damn and I am totally cool with that.
The two or three people that knew what was going on with me,
did their absolute best to console, support and encourage me. I am now and will
be forever more, grateful to them.
But the one line that finally resonated through my brain,
came from someone who wasn’t on the confidante list.
The miracle worker’s identity shall remain protected. I can
tell you, though, that she is a woman of substance with a pure, clean and large
heart. A lady who knows what it means to struggle and what redemption feels
like. Someone who is honest, caring and continues to work tirelessly for those
around her without a thought for herself. An inspiration in her own right.
Yeah life’s got its issues but I’m thinking – I must have
something right somewhere down the road to here, to be blessed with a family so
complete and strong that I never get de-energized.
These people in my life are major contributors to today’s
acceptance. Never before have I appreciated the role that people play in one’s
life, as I have over these last two years.
People who knew the teenage me well remember how much I
hated the ‘cheesyness’ of people and the hoopla about relationships. Some
horrible experiences and a lot of learning, growing up and maturing later, that
opinion is now drastically different.
I believe people I hold close to my heart have all played a
part, however big or small, in shaping the person I turned out to be today. I’ve
learned what to do and what not to do from these people and my interactions
with them. I’ve understood which relationships matter. I’ve survived heartache
and lost friendships.
Look at this this way – it’s like life is a long process of
weeding out the bad stuff to end up with the best of the lot in every category.
Survival of the fittest comes to mind here. I’ve met and
known literally thousands of people over the last 24 years. Some stayed longer
than others, some were closer, some earned immediate ‘dislikes’. But those who
stand with me today, have themselves reached here through a rigorous screening
process of their own.
I think our minds unconsciously screen people at every step –
weeding out the bad and keeping the good. So ultimately, what we end up with is
a circle of the best, closest and toughest friends and family members.
That’s just a theory at this point but it makes sense to me.
If I were an anthropologist, I’d explore it further. But I’m an environmental
scientist/journalist. (So if anyone ever does study it, I’ll write a story on
it. Ha!)
Can you believe I hated the ‘cheesyness of people’? This
whole write-up reeks of it!
Ready for some more?
Acceptance is going to be good, I think. A negative and
frustrated approach or attitude just clogs my mind and severely hampers
productivity. With a mind that is no longer claustrophobic and polluted, I can
breathe easy again and set out to find work with a better attitude.
I can complain however much I want. Truth is, at the end of
the day, I know too well that my genetic and mental framework do not believe in
the idea of ‘giving up’.
In fact, I’m someone who never has just one plan. (Yeah I
know plans don’t always work out – all the more reason to have multiple ideas.)
I always have a back-up plan.
And this whole chaos of thoughts in my head is precisely why
I said my mind never ceases to amaze me of its potential to store and process
information. (I don’t really approve of generalizations hence the reference to
my own mind as opposed to all of mankind.)
Now, because I have already written 1,337 words, and before
I end up writing another ‘thesis-length’ piece, I’d suggest you go back to doing
something other than wasting time reading my musings.
Rest assured, if you still want to waste time, I will be
back here sooner than later for as long as I remain unemployed. J
